It's been a very long time since I last wrote. So much has happened to me. I started a relationship with some who is absolutely perfect for me about a year and a half ago. We are now engaged to be married and I can't wait! I also lost my job teaching online and got a job teaching in a classroom. That was a very difficult change for me, one that has had devastating effects on my mental state. After being depression free for over 2 years, I am now back in the thick of it.
It's been extremely difficult to admit to myself that I am depressed. I am supremely happy with my fiance. He is so kind and supportive and also wonderful with my kids. But my job added a level of stress that continually ate away at my confidence and love for life. My anxiety kicked into high gear and I began to see physical effects of that stress on my body and well being. I began to have panic attacks at work, I started losing track of important information, I misplaced assignments, and could not put together properly planned lessons. I tried so hard but also fought extreme lack of motivation. Half of my Sunday was spent stressing out about Monday. The wedding I am so excited to have has fallen by the wayside as I struggle to find the want to get things done. I pushed myself to make everything work but when the panic attacks became more frequent, when I wanted to spend more and more time alone and not with my kids and fiance, and when my blood pressure became elevated for weeks, I started to see just how pushing through would not be an option for me. I knew I did not need to live like this and that I needed to be the person who changed things. So how would I do it while doing the least amount of damage to me, my family, and my pocketbook. If you think of something brilliant, let me know, because I got nothing.
I will not be going into detail about what led me to this point but I will tell you that teaching is hard. It is really fucking hard. You work your ass off everyday, for very little pay, and with very little support from parents. In fact, the parents are often the hardest part of teaching. At least in my school they were. And with all the stuff I was going through with my depression and anxiety, I was not physically capable of doing my job anymore. If you can't remember things or make plans because your thoughts are too frazzled, than teaching will be damn near impossible.I have been teaching for 11 years and I had come to terms with the fact that I no longer had the heart to teach. I needed a change.
The first thing I did was start talk to my mom, niece, and fiance about how I was feeling. They are my support system. Believe me, every person with depression needs a support system in place.They saw the effects my job was having on me, without having to say a thing, so the conversation was easy. They supported whatever decision I made. The next thing I did was talk to my boss. She also saw the effects the stress was having on me and offered to help in any way she could. I ended up getting amazing assistance, but unfortunately, it was too little, too late. I told her that I did not see myself continuing after Winter Break. I wanted her to find a teacher that would be a good fit for our school, not one that could start the soonest. In the end, she found a teacher in 3 weeks and I was asked to put in my letter of resignation. I was relieved but also scared as hell. What was I going to do now? I knew that in the state I was in, I was no good to anyone. How would I start a new job if I couldn't concentrate? How would I learn to deal with new people if I couldn't deal with the few people in my life already. I felt myself caving in. Pulling in to my shell for protection and to hide from all the negative energy out there that weighed on me.
So I decided to go back to therapy. It has been great so far. I really like my therapist. She has been very helpful and I feel comfortable talking to her. It just sucks, because now that I only have two weeks left of my job, I know that my insurance has a ticking clock. I am covered until the end of November, and that's it. I can't even think of getting another teaching job because I can't do the work anymore. Lesser paying jobs would have me paying the majority of my paycheck for insurance. So I honestly don't know what to do. I guess only time will tell.
